Director

Brother / Policeman / Defence attorney / British pedestrian / Mr. Harrison (Apricot) / The Colonel / 'Hell's Grannies' policeman / Jimmy Blankensop / Sir Edward Ross / Restaurant patron #1 / Letter Writer / Oliver St. John Mollusk / Mountie / Town Guild Lady

Announcer / Hungarian Citizen / self - Defence Teacher / Sir George Head / Policeman / Interviewer / Mr. Praline / Second General / Christopher Columbus / Mungo the Cook / Bank Robber / Accountant #2 (falling past the window) / Vocational Guidance Counselor / Vivian Smith Smythe Smith / Mountie / Town Guild Lady

Self-Defence Nun / Flasher / Uncle Sam / Caterpillar Man / Sign Holder / Conrad Poohs

Prosecutor / Marriage Counselor / Arthur Nudge / Self-defence student #4 (interested in pointed sticks) / 'Hell's Grannies' analyst / Arthur Wilson / Arthur Wilson Two / Nightclub Emcee / Linkman / First General / Restaurant Manager / Lingerie Shop Owner / Accountant #1 (falling past the window) / Fairy Godmother / Rita Fairbanks / Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris / Mountie / Lady With Cookbook

Stage Manager / Tobacconist / 2nd Hungarian Man / Squire / Self-defence student #3 / Tenant #1 / Flasher / Mouse Organist Ken Ewing / Fat Soldier / Waiter / Nude Organist / Brian / Nigel Incubator Jones

Gumby / Man with tape recorder / Phrasebook Author / Arthur Pewtey / Second self - defence student / Second Tenant / Lost His Wallet / Shrill Petrol Announcer / Milkman / Ernest Scribbler / Pet shop employee / Lumberjack / Headwaiter Gilberto / Herbert Anchovy / Blackmail Presenter / Gervais Brookhamster / Town Guild Lady

Dierdre Pewtey / Storyteller / Milkman Collector / Restaurant Patron #2 / Elsbeth

Best Girl

Distraught Mother